
The death of my father was a turning point in my life. Not because I have not experienced death and grief before; I had already lost a brother, my grandma, had three miscarriages of three, five and two months, but
also because it brought back to me all the grief of those losses that I haven't digested yet. Although the loss of my father was harsh and very challenging, I had learnt by that time, tools to integrate it into my life in a loving and gentle way. And even though some days didn't feel gentle and loving at all, I understood that every emotion, every moment was part of the process and I was able to hold very tight to myself.
First came stillness, I got very close to my family and we all stuck together through the moment. It was a time that I felt in between the loss and the active part of the process where it seems we all got to rest together, to sit with it. Then came chaos and with that tiredness, loss of myself, unhealed wounds and so much resistance to not let go of an old version that was not available anymore. I had to unlearn so much to learn who I was again and I was causing myself so much suffering believing that I could ever be who I was before. Our losses change us forever, they also bring the opportunity to release all the labels we put on ourselves and sit with who we truly are.
While it has been good that I gave room to all my emotions, it was also necessary to slowly take action and start doing bit by bit things that could bring me back to myself. Not the old version, she was gone, but who I was and who I am after this loss. It all started with acceptance, truly accepting in my core the new reality in front of my eyes. This was painful and hard to see, but a necessary step if I wanted to be able to put this in a place in my heart where it didn't cause me suffering. You see, there is a point in our grieving process that we can actively do things to move forward with life or without knowing it, we can get stuck there for many many years. With acceptance came compassion for where I was and started doing my best. I had to understand that my energy levels were not the same, that it was perfectly normal to be sad and that there was no need to keep the rhythm I had before. When we are grieving, our best could simply be to be able to get out of bed and take a shower, and that is OK. We tend to be the ones who judge ourselves the most and in this process we need to focus more on compassion and small steps towards healing and growing. With acceptance and compassion, I was ready to start working in integrating the process. For me, this means to make it part of my life instead of avoiding it. I was a daughter without a father, a sister without a brother and a mother without three babies. Movement, prayer and nature have been my great allies and teachers, but also family, community and safe spaces where I was able to allow myself to be vulnerable and express my grief while being held by others. It's not just one thing that moves us forward, but the sum of various things that shift and help us, depending on where we are in the process.
Many times, we may wonder why this person had to die. I'm not immune to that feeling. I also tend to wonder what the point of everything is if we're going to die. But then I ask myself, why do we need a reason? Could it not just be to enjoy the gift of life? There must be a great wisdom that holds everything together and makes life possible. There is beauty in not only the cycle but the fragility of life. And I believe this is what makes it so sacred. It is like a gentle web that rises once we are born, strong in many ways yet fragile enough to collapse and die. And if we can truly see life for what it is, it can make us reflect and appreciate it so much more, and then we grow from our grief, we grow from our decay. We are just a brief sigh in the history of time, a drop in a vast ocean. Integrating this perception of life comes with a beautiful gift available for us if we are ready to grasp it.
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